When laser tag imitates life.

My girlegg recently reminded me of something Ginsuboy used to like to do with them. Laser tag.

 

There's much I don't remember. A lot of the details are tucked away in the back of my mind. If they weren't, I'm convinced the sheer volume of fuckedupedness would drive me insane.

 

Once in a while, though, those memories come flooding back in all their Blu-Ray™ and surround sound glory.

 

I hate myself in those moments. Or rather, I hate who I used to be.

 

I hate myself for being too afraid and too fucked up to have made better decisions. Rationally, I know I did the best I could. We all made it out alive, after all. I normally don't question how things played out. Could I have done this? Should I have done that? I've done all that. It's tucked away in a neat little box marked 'Case Closed'.

 

Until I get reminded. Until I remember.

 

With every revelation, I have to wrestle with the what-if's anew. I have to nit pick it to death. I have to come to peace with it. I have to open the 'Case Closed' box and add another piece of evidence.

 

Laser tag is one of those pieces.

 

I remember him gleefully volunteering to take us all out to eat and then to laser tag after. I was always left out in the waiting area. I was the KeeperOfTehStuffs©.

 

He'd go and pay the fees, get the equipment, and they'd gear up for the game.

 

I remember him always looking as if he were half in a daze.

 

Until recently, they never spoke of what went on inside the mirrored, darkly lit maze.

 

Apparently, it was never anything good.

 

The girlegg said she felt truly hunted. She said he'd get this 'look on his face' and he'd hunt.

 

He always went for them first. Always landing a direct hit to the head or chest. He was a fierce competitor and always strove to land in the top 2 among the many other people competing for rank.

 

She said he'd grin and celebrate when he'd pick someone off. She said he'd laugh maniacally and take off after a new target.

 

He'd get pissed if he lost and insist on playing again.

 

"It felt like he really was hunting us, Mom."

 

-----chickenhoodie, the sky is falling!------

 

It fucks me up that I couldn't/didn't protect them from that. It fucks me up that they were terrified. I feel like a fucking failure.

 

I'll bounce back. I'll get ok with this like I got okay with everything else. I'll get it where it needs to be, eventually, but for now?

 

Just. Fuck.

 

wanders off to look at the other shit in the box