F**k you. Jail is not "better than".

It really bugs the shit out of me when I see/hear people say things like "jails are better than ____".

No, they're not. Really. They're not.

Let's start with the food, shall we?

There's the breakfast that comes at 3:30am. Cold. Most times it's dry cereal, two slices of bread, a milk and a juice. Once in a while there's powdered eggs. We won't discuss what these do to one's digestive tract. Sometimes, there's waffles. Taken straight out of the freezer and tossed on a tray. Maybe there's butter and syrup. Maybe there isn't. If you've never eaten a raw waffle, let me tell you, it's an experience. For lunch you have the famous bologna "choke" sandwiches consisting of four slices of bread, two completely soggy, two slices of retch-inducing bologna, a packet of sugar-free kool-aid mix and some small snack. These are served 365 days a year. No exceptions. Ever. Dinner is much like breakfast and lunch, only worse.

Let's talk clothing now, ok?

You're issued two uniforms. The administration tries to do a uniform exchange once a week. This means you're issued one clean uniform a week. Mostly, anyway. You sleep in this uniform, you go to court in this uniform, you eat in this uniform. Your undergarments? Your problem. There are no washing machines in jail. Washing is done in the toilet. The toilet, you ask? Yes. The sinks cannot be stopped up to hold water. They're also very tiny, with faucets that have to be held to work. Buckets are not allowed. This leaves the toilet. Ice cold water, soap, and your unmentionables--rub-a-dub-dub two socks, a bra, and panties in the toilet bowl.

Now, for the sleeping arrangements.

You're issued one bed mat. It's approximately 3" of blue foam, wrapped in heavy plastic, mostly with a sinkhole dead in the middle. You're issued one set of sheets. Two flat sheets, one pillowcase (for which there is no pillow), and one wool blanket, replete with moth holes. This bedding is laid on a steel-grate framed bed. This is where your slumber occurs. In between the every-two-hours "Move something, shake something!" wake-up calls, that is.

Let's chat a little about seeing a doctor, mmk?

It could take up to three months to see a doctor. This is even for very obvious issues. Sure, there's an emergency room, but unless someone thinks you'll die in your sleep, no one wants to do the paperwork to send you.

Now, dear reader, let's get personal.

There's the women that look like men and make dildos from rubber gloves and kotex. Rape is entirely possible. Harassment is rampant. Protection is non-existent.

There's the showers in either freezing cold or scalding hot water. The 'state issued' soap that, literally, burns your skin as you wash. This is also to be used on your hair. Make sure you wear your shoes, though. Athlete's foot is just a shower away. Razors? Ha! Leg-hair and armpit hair are your friends. This is a good thing, though, because you'll need the extra fur to keep you warm when the heat barely works and the air-conditioning works too good. Can we talk about the state issued toothpaste that gets used as glue and eats paint off the walls? Did you know there's no toilet seats in jails? Yeah, you sit directly on either cold stainless steel or cold porcelain, and you had better not forget 'poop etiquette' or you might get your ass kicked by your cellmate who is located 3ft. from where you're shitting.

The financial rape that is 'commissary' should enrage everyone. Bottles of $.99 shampoo being sold for $3, 3/$1 bars of soap being sold for $1/ea., $.25 bags of chips going for $.75. All this profit, where is it going? You want shampoo? You want soap that doesn't burn? You want sanitary napkins that don't cause a rash? You want deodorant? You need new socks? A t-shirt? Non-toxic toothpaste? Those lovely, wallet-raping bastards called 'commissary' have everything you need at a 200% mark-up.

Then, there's the awesomeness that is regular strip searches. Oh yes, lift your tits, lift your stomach, bend over and spread your ass cheeks, then, squat and cough, simultaneously, arms outstretched at your sides. Every time you leave your housing unit for any reason, a strip search is going down. Sometimes, it goes down just because. Oh, did I mention the lesbians they have overseeing this process? Now, I'm all down for all sexualities, but having a lesbian strip searching women is really not much different than having a man strip search a female. The attraction to females is the same with either gender and just as disconcerting.

Sometimes, there's even mocking involved. Actually, there's a lot of mocking and bullying going on in these places. By staff as well as detainees. Pressuring for sexual favors by male staff is always around.

This is just the tip of the iceberg atop a plethora of issues.

This, folks, is what jail is like.

The kicker? These people are not yet convicted. So, no matter how much you yammer on about them just being criminals, remember, under the law they are innocent until proven guilty. Even if that means only 20% of the people being housed in a facility are actually found not guilty, that is 20% that were treated like human waste. Housed, fed, clothed, and treated deplorably. Jails are not 'better than' anything except, maybe, a cardboard box on lower Wacker Drive.

So, the next time you want to pop off with some stupid shit resembling "jails are cushy", run the following things through your head, alrighty?

• Imagine being repulsed by what constitutes as food, to the point of actually retching when attempting to eat, as many as 3x in a single day. Imagine your hunger.

• Imagine walking around smelling because it's been 11 days since you were issued a clean uniform. You must be appropriately dressed at all times. Imagine your embarrassment.

• Imagine being mocked for smelling terrible, and it's beyond your control. Imagine the frustration.

• Imagine being mocked and/or sexually harassed when strip searched. Imagine that level of humiliation.

• Imagine being cuffed and chained everywhere you go. Sometimes, out into public. Like an offsite hospital. Imagine the humiliation of having the general public stare at you, pull back their children, whisper in hushes and generally humiliate you-publicly. Imagine how you'd feel.

• Imagine having a tooth abscess and having to wait 6 weeks to get to a doctor for an antibiotic. Imagine the pain you'd suffer.

• Imagine being awakened every two hours while you sleep at night. Imagine the sheer exhaustion you might feel.

• Imagine having 59 other people in a single room with you. All fighting for one television. With censored channels. Imagine the noise level of those 59 people and you and the tv and the fights over card games and the on-the-sly sexual shit going on all around you. Imagine always having to be on guard.

• Imagine, through all of this, you know you're innocent.

Then, you need to sit the fuck down, shut the fuck up and pray/cross your fingers/snap like Bert from SOAP and hope it's never you.