It's not easy being green.

This post isn't about pity. This post is about understanding.

Understanding what it's like to be me.

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My mornings start off with coffee, a smoke and checking my handy little sitemeter accounts to see who's been visiting my stuff. One always needs a heads-up on who might be creeping on the sly.

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My grocery shopping trips always go like this:

Cashier: "Do you have a preferred customer card?"
Me: "No, I don't."
Cashier: "Just fill out this form and you can get one."
Me: "No, thanks."
Cashier: "It's free!"
Me: "No, thanks."

See, cards like this add you to a mailing list. Mailing lists can be bought and sold. All I'd like is to have the discounts. No soup for you!

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Riding in the car goes like this:

Me: "Please, drive safe."
Driver: "I will." as they make an illegal right turn
Me: "There's a cop behind us." my guts start to knot up
Driver: "Go ahead, let them stop us."
Me: in my head--"Oh, god, please, no. If they run my name, I'm going to jail. They'll make up a reason to take me in."

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My trips to the craft store always go like this:

Cashier: "Are you on our mailing list?"
Me: "No, I'm not."
Cashier: "Just fill out this card and you can get special deals."
Me: "I'd love to, but really, I can't."

All I really want is some fucking coupons, but I can't get them.

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I want a book from Amazon.

Me: "I really want this book."
Amazon: Please type in your account info.

I don't have any accounts. Accounts cause credit checks. Credit checks put activity on a credit report. With the right information, anyone can access your credit report.

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Going out with people goes like this:

Me: "I didn't bring enough cash."
Them: "Just toss it on the debit or credit card."
Me: "I don't have either of those."
Them: "You WHAT?!?!?! What century are you living in? Every decent person has a bank account."  
enter the 'what the fuck is wrong with you' look

All I'd like is to never see that look again.

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The apartment I'm living in is owned by a slumlord, so, I start looking for a better place.

Ad: "We do credit checks."
Me: Fuck, cross that one off the list.

I end up with slumlord after slumlord because slumlords don't do credit checks.

Rats and roaches are my roommates.

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Once I have an apartment, there's the issue of getting utilities.

If I put them in my name they're going to run a credit check. If I miss a payment, it goes on my credit report. They may give my name to other services associated with them, which opens me up to being found. Now, I've got to ask someone if they will trust me enough to have the stuff put in their name.

See? Even lights and gas are not simple tasks.

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 Then, there's mail. That subject is always fun.

Friend: "I want to send you this in the mail!"
Me: "Let me see if I can get XXX to let it come to their house, ok?"
Friend: "Why? I'm just sending you a birthday card."
Me: "I can't risk anyone finding my real address."
Friend: "I'd never tell him!"
Me: "I know you wouldn't, but I don't trust he won't find you, bop you in the head and take your address book."

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Then, there's the credit score conversations.

Them: "My credit score is 630."
Me: "My credit report is blank. I have no credit."
Them: "You're 44 years old and have no credit? What kind of loser are you?"
Me: "A loser trying to stay alive."

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I have to THINK about everything. Every move is an effort. I'm constantly on guard. Nothing is simple. Nothing.

No one really understands how much they have until they can't have it anymore.

I have to conscientiously think about things everyone else takes for granted.

And folks wonder why I stay exhausted.