Broken people and the people that hunt them.

I'd like to preface this bit of writing with some back story on me.

I used to be broken. Broken got me more broken.

Many moons ago I met a man. I thought he was the shiznit. He did and said all the right things at all the right moments and I fell in love.

Turns out the FBI classifies him as a 'sociopath the likes of Ted Bundy'. That's a direct quote from a criminal profiler. He's a real bad dude.

He took me to the depths of hell, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. I won't go into gory details here on this journal, but suffice to say, he stole 7 years of my life and 4 years of my freedom, like, in a jail cell loss of freedom. Or rather, I unwittingly gave them to him.

Yes, I said it. I unwittingly gave them to him.

See, broken people walk around pretending they aren't broken. They are either unaware of their state of mind, or too broken to put forth the effort it takes to change, whether consciously or unconsciously, but it's like wearing too much perfume and those that hunt know what it smells like.
It's like jumping into shark infested waters with an open, bleeding wound.

Broken people are fairly easy to spot. They say things like, 'No one will ever earn my trust', among other over-used cliches.

Emotionally healthy people spot them and steer clear. Emotionally healthy people avoid the drama of broken people because broken people are endless in their needs. They suck people dry like an emotional vampire and no emotionally healthy person is going to go down with a sinking ship.

This leaves the hunters. Those that prey on exactly the type of people that project their broken-ness.
They promise you the moon and the stars. They tell you they'll save you. They tell you they love you and will protect you from the big baddies of the world.

The fact is, they really just want to break you more and by the time you realize what is happening, there you are, right where you began.

It's a vicious cycle of self-fulfilling prophecy.

I can't trust anyone.
I'm going to make this person prove it this time.
I'm tough, just look, I'll push and poke and prod til I make you react.

What ends up happening is you attract precisely the type of person you want to repel. Your fears become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And with each prophecy that gets fulfilled, you become a little more broken and bleed a little heavier, bringing more and more sharks to circle.

To those that can identify, I hear you sighing out there. You feel like it will never end. You feel like you're stuck so deep in a rut you'll never claw your way out.

Fret not, lovelies. There is hope.

1) You need to stop driving at breakneck speed trying to find what you need. Just stop. Take a breath. Find a professional to trust. Someone who DOES have your best interests at heart. Kink-friendly therapy/doctors are available. (In my experience, MCSW's make for better therapy over psychologists)

2) You need to recognize that the only person that can plug that black, sucking, endless hole in your chest is you. Only you can cover the wound that has your soul bleeding out like a slaughtered cow. Learn to love yourself first and never confuse ego with self-love. They look a lot alike on the surface, but they're very different once you get to digging under the surface.

3) Stop trying to find non-professionals to fix you. That dom that promises to fix you? He won't. Worse yet, he'll prove to you that you were right to not trust anyone ever again. If you do get lucky enough to find one that isn't a shark, he might put band-aids on your wounds, but YOU still have to do the healing. Remember, once he's gone, so are his band-aids and if you're not scabbed over underneath, you're going to be the same open wound walking around.

4) Put away all the pity party favors. Own your broken-ness. Only by owning it can you begin to turn it around. Tell yourself, "I'm broken, I own it, it's mine and only I can toss it in the trash." If someone wants to join your pity party, understand they don't mean to do you any good. Pity isn't love, it's just pity and they're probably fapping off to your misery.

5) Find out who you are underneath all the pain you've suffered. Remember the small things you can do for you that make you feel joy and do them, often. Find pride in who and what you are. No one is beyond redemption, unless they've got 33 bodies buried under their house.

6) Learn what sharks smell like. Learn the patterns they follow. They're just as obvious as the patterns you exhibit as a broken person. Take off your rose-colored glasses and see the world with clear, uninhibited vision.

7) Once you've begun to love yourself, take your time. I cannot stress this enough. Spend a good bit loving yourself. It's a new feeling and it isn't always comfortable. Imagine it as an infant, and don't toss it out into oncoming traffic. Nurture it until it can walk, talk and read the road signs. Get comfortable loving you. Only then can you trust that someone else can, and will, love you back.

8) Listen to those you DO trust. Use them as a filter until you can grow healthy filters of your own.

9) Learn to enjoy being YOU. Alone for a while. Being alone does not always have to equate with being lonely. Learn to be comfortable hanging out with YOU. If you don't want to hang out with you, why would anyone else?

10) Once you find your inner equilibrium, enjoy the fuck out of the rest of your life. Also, learn to make jokes of your misery. Laugh at how clueless you used to be. Humor takes the sting out of much of the pain.

My hope with this journal is that someone, maybe several someone's, walk away with hope.

Hope that life isn't just a rank, stinking bowl of over-microwaved shit.