How I grew a self-esteem.

It was the single, most difficult thing I've ever had to do, and not a single therapist gave me a clue how to do it. All they ever said was, "You need to have some self-esteem, hoodie." I remember asking them, "Oh, that's great, but HOW is that supposed to happen?"

No one ever had an answer. No answer except, "It's all inside you, just find it."

Well, fuckall, if it didn't sound like stupid, cryptic bullshit, but I was determined to decipher it.

Thinking back, I remember telling myself I had to find things that were good about me that no one could take away. Things that no one could knock holes in, no matter how much shit they talked, or how hard they tried.

For me, it started with my kids. I watched them when I came home from Hell. They made me so proud. Things they said and did made me proud. The way they treated other people made my heart melt.

Then, one day, I had an epiphany.

If they were good people it had to be because, somewhere along the line, I put some good stuff in them.

To hate myself was to hate the parts of them that were me.

Every time someone began deconstructing me, or tearing me to shreds, I hung on to that. Sometimes, with little more than a good game face. It was my life-preserver.

I put good stuff in those kids.

It became my mantra, and eventually, it got easier to see other good stuff in me.

People who no one else would trust, I trusted. People no one else would love, I loved. They gave me their loyalty. I loved them and they loved me in return. It was risky, sometimes I didn't get loved back. Sometimes, people left me hurt, but the ones that didn't hurt me made every painful experience seem inconsequential in comparison.

I love those that other people have deemed unlovable, and they love me back.

People loved me, and found me beautiful and sexy. Not because of my outside, but because of my insides. The more I realized this, the less weight my outer flaws carried. That little extra padding didn't make me unworthy. That gap in my teeth didn't make me ugly. I am pretty on the inside and it radiates on the outside.

I am a sexy, beautiful woman.

I began writing. Speaking from my heart. People responded. They connected. I had touched their lives. Some even said I changed them, for the better. That I have made their lives better, just by being me.

I make a difference in people's lives.

Little by little, these things started stacking up. It got easier to deny the bullshit voodoo folks tried to throw down. I had absolutes. Things no one could take away from me, no matter how hard they tried to twist it to make me feel bad, they couldn't. I was, and am, armed with facts.

It wasn't always easy, this loving myself and thinking myself worthy, but it got easier. With every day that passed, it got easier. Until one day, it just was. It started with a small seed and grew into a tree.

Irrefutable. Indestructible. Mine.

I grew my self-esteem. I grew it and I nurtured it until the roots were so deep the most violent of storms couldn't rip it from it's place. It's branches protect me from the torrents of life. I can find shelter beneath them and stay safe.

I appreciate who I am. I don't just love myself, I like myself.

And...it feels really fucking good.