Dance, Monkeygirl, dance!

I've been trying to figure out where that imaginary line lies. At what point does it stop being the former and becomes the latter.

I think I've figured out, for me, where that line is.

It lies with my emotions. I've been struggling with trying to wrap my head around the idea of being an emotional masochist because that terminology just doesn't seem to fit. Yes, I get something out of emotional suffrage, but it is just a small part of a larger picture. The obedience, the physical control, the pain, they're all just a means to get to the root of my enslavement, emotional vulnerability and him making my emotional being HIS, subject to change-at his will.

The difference between enslaving myself and being enslaved comes at the point which he has the ability to control my emotions. Physical control and psychological control do not, by themselves, make enslavement occur (for me). As long as I have a hold on my emotions, it's something he doesn't have control over, keeping enslavement from happening.

Controlling what I do, or how I think or process ideas is merely a part of enslavement.

Controlling what I feel and when I feel it is when I step back and say..."yeah, he owns my ass."

I want to feel everything, every emotion known to man. From the best of emotions, to the worst. From highs to lows.

I'm not talking about controlling every emotion I have during the course of every day, but having the option to. When, at his whim, he can take whatever mood I am in and put me in the emotional state HE wants me in because he knows me and every hot button I have.

He has the power to make me feel fear, dread, joy, terror, contentment, panic, love, gentleness, coldness, suffering, longing, excitement, etc...

My psychological self and my emotional self are separated in my head. After the whole jail thing, and almost being broken in that way, I realized there's a place in me that I go. I dissociate from the psychological and physical into an emotional place that no one touches. Being able to go to that place in me and find feelings that take me mentally as far away from the reality as I can go.

It's like being bombarded by ugly and refusing to allow anyone to take me from my 'happy place', my physical and mental can be controlled and conditioned. I can be taught to turn right instead of left because of repetition and breakdown, but I'm hanging on to my "light at the end of the tunnel", my inner bitches' last hurrah and fuck you. I'll put the face of humiliation on because that is what is expected, FEELING it, however is something completely different.

Having my emotions routinely tinkered with makes me feel owned to my core.

Enslavement, for me, is when I feel what I'm wanted to feel and not what I want to feel.

Dance, monkey, dance.

I've let myself go places in thought, let those places be manipulated, been programmed to think certain thoughts by having triggers embedded and still have not felt owned.

I've let myself go to places of physical pain and pleasure and have not felt owned.

None of it seems to come together and equate to enslavement until he has my joy, fear, terror, horror, guilt, shame and pride in the palm of his hand. Only then do the first two make an impact on enslavement.

My emotions are the one thing I keep an iron-fisted-death-grip of control on. When he can get around my security system and control with a word, touch, gesture or look my emotional state and take me from one emotion to another and I no longer have the ability to resist, I am enslaved.