I hate my brain.

Having PTSD sucks. Especially when it rears it's ugly head after a long hiatus. 

This should be a happy time in my life. I have my own place. I have an awesome Daddy. Things are going so well, yet, I'm sad. So very sad. Crying happens at the drop of a hat.

This feeling of being trapped comes and goes. I know it's irrational, but I hate being in my own skin.

Nightmares are becoming regular occurrences again. So is waking up in full-blown panic attacks.

I don't know if the RA and all the pain I've been in lately has anything to do with it, but I suspect it's part of it. The eczema is acting up and my feet and hands are broken out something awful and I feel so ugly because of it.

Food tastes like shit. People are getting on my nerves. I've lost interest in all the things I used to find pleasure in.

I feel clingy and needy and pathetic and because I hate feeling those things I close myself off from everything and everyone.

I'm trying so hard to keep it all together, but I feel myself coming apart at the seams. 

I don't know how to be weak or dependent. I've never had anyone I could be those things with and Bossman makes me feel both and it scares the shit out of me. One, because I feel like my foundation is crumbling and two, because any time I've ever let even the smallest bit of this show, people cut and run.

I've been keeping all this from Bossman. He has enough on his plate and a crazy girl is the last thing he needs to deal with. Only thing is, he's the one thing that is keeping me together right now and I hate that I've put that on him. No one should have to carry that kind of burden.

I feel like a fucked up, pitiful, pile of blubbering goo.