Hide and Seek

Today is one of those days where the reality of my life truly hits home.

Most days I zip along on cruise control, happy to pretend all is right with the world, seemingly oblivious to the fact that my life isn't much more than a frustrating, exhausting game of 'Hide and Seek'.

I have this curr-ay-zee bastard who is hell bent on finding me and snuffing out my candle. He, also, happens to be my ex-husband, a convicted murderer and suspected serial killer.

He knows all of my personal information. The Internet being what it is and his skills with the Internet being what they are, I am overly aware of the ways in which I can be tracked and I have become hyper-vigilant in my dealings with the outside world.

My main weakness is my social security number. Any activity that needs to use it puts me in a position of vulnerability. They want an address and proof of such. They want a phone number. It surprises me they don't ask for a stool sample, too. Putting any of this out there puts my safety in jeopardy. One quick run of my credit report and he's found the top secret location of my batcave.

I am agoraphobic.

I have a very low tolerance for stress and have terrible panic attacks.

A 'real' job is something I just don't think will ever be an option.

BossMan and I thought working through this medium would be good for me. It would allow me a place to purge all the ugly I pretend doesn't exist inside of me. A place to share my highs and my lows and all the shades of grey in-between. It would allow me to feel useful and productive and if enough people liked it, the money would come.

Then, today I hit that wall...again. Fuck, if it doesn't hurt every time I do, because the wall always wins. ALWAYS.

I want to run ad banners here and a bank account is necessary. 

I don't have a bank account, for obvious reasons, so I am left to depend on others to let me work through their accounts.

It's always the same.

Hurry up and wait.

It's always hurry up and wait.

People get caught up in their own lives. They forget. They don't put the priority on my needs that I would put on them. They don't feel the importance that I feel. I understand this is a very natural and normal reaction for them, but it's still disheartening.

Reminding them always makes me feel like a horrid nag.

Feeling such utter dependence on someone else, someone whose own life, quite naturally, comes before mine makes me feel...deflated and... angry. Very, very angry. However unrealistic or unfair my feelings, there they are, in my face.

Feeling helpless to help myself drives me batshit crazy. I've survived and thrived in the worst of circumstances and, in these moments, I'm reminded how small and vulnerable I truly am. In these moments I'm reminded that my life may never be my own again. I feel all of the pent up, ignored rage at my situation and I collapse like a house of cards in a tornado.

After a blubbering, snotty cry and a might bit of screaming, I do my best to choke it down and put on a smile and go back to pretending everything is o.k. 

But, it isn't o.k.

No matter how much I pretend it is, this is a wall I know I will continue to hit, over and over and over. 

Until he is taking a dirt nap, my life will never be o.k.

I'm afraid of the day when I hit that wall and can't hobble back to the land of make-believe.

With every instance of face-into-wall I feel like I am just one baby step closer to that becoming a reality.

I don't want to be there. I don't want to end up angry to the point of no return.

I'd rather be taken out to the back forty and be put down like a lame horse.

blows my nose, wipes my tears, adjusts my smile, smooths my hair, and skips back to my beautiful world of make believe