Emotional compatibility

I've been thinking a lot about emotional compatibility lately. Recent events have me reevaluating past relationships. They have me connecting dots between my sexuality (or lack thereof) and my lack of emotional compatibility with my lovers.

I feel like I have all these dammed up feelings. Feelings I'm not 'allowed' to express because people have this expectation of me to be a certain way. Strong and steady and calm and efficient, because that's the facade I hide behind.

Really, though? What lies behind all that people see, is this small, scared, fragile girl that holds her own hand when she gets afraid. They can't see how much I need to be THAT girl sometimes. To just let go and not have to carry the weight of the world alone.

I get it. That's some heavy shit. It overwhelms me and I live with it. I can only imagine what it feels like for someone else feeling that coming off of me. My feelings are BIG. HUGE, even. They're full force. And I control them...well, contain them really well, anyway.

I've come to believe that as long as I have to hide that girl, as long as I have to wear a mask, as long as I have to control my feelings by not letting them out, I'll never really connect with anyone. Not the way I need to, anyway.

I tried doing the 'toughen up' thing. I didn't toughen up. Not really. I just turned inward more. Relied more on me and less on the world. And hid that breakable girl deeper. Built thicker walls. Underneath, though? Underneath it all is still a fragile girl.

"My need for intimacy, non-sexual intimate touch, cuddles, kissing and heartfelt connection isn't related to sex.
I need someone to coddle the unloved little girl that I have inside me, that I hide so much, because no one likes a weak adult.
I need someone to take that little girl in me and help her grow up, so that she matches the body and mind that I have today.
I need someone that can do all these things, and not expect me to be strong all the time.
Because I'm at the bottom of my well of strength right now.
And that little girl is all I have left, despite the facade that I've perfected.
I need someone to tear that facade to pieces, and show me myself in a mirror, so that I can accept that broken child inside me, and then help me build her up, make her what she's meant to be.
I need to be unafraid of disappointing you with the real me." ~Myri~

It's a twisted, vicious cycle that never seems to end. I'm even wondering if this is WHY I am asexual. How do I ask another to take on the burden of someone so fucking fragile? How do I make sure they know what kind of flood is about to hit? How do I know they can and WILL handle it?

I can't without busting down the dam, and once that is done? I'm not so sure I can gather it all up and contain it again. There's too much and what if I don't, or can't get control again?

I want to see taste. I want to smell touch. I want to hear aromas.

I need to FEEL. It is what I live for and long for. That little girl in me needs to feel everything, safely, because she's never felt anything except alone and exiled.

Gah, this shit shouldn't be this complicated.