I get asked quite often how it is I am not more angry about the turns my life has taken.
How it is I don't resent those nearly four years in jail as much as I could, or should.
How it is I don't hate the cousin who lied to get me arrested and instead, pity her.
The simple truth is, I'd not be me if it weren't for all of that. Hell, I might not even be here at all.
I was a broken, hollow shell of a human. Angry. Vengeful. Self-absorbed. Wallowing in self-pity. Entitled. Self-loathing.
I despise the motivation behind my cousin's lies, but the reality is, her lies saved my life and the lives of those I loved. It was that rare 2pt conversion the losing team always goes for with 22 seconds left in the game, but rarely ever accomplishes. There's this smug satisfaction, and begrudging twinge of gratitude, in knowing that what she thought she was destroying actually turned out to be just the opposite.
Jail was disgusting, humiliating and utterly terrifying.
Jail is also where I met Dr. Gary.
Dr. Gary is, and will probably always be, the greatest gift I have ever received and had it not been for jail, I'd have never had the good fortune of his presence in, and influence on, my life.
He pulled that broken, self-hating, rage-filled girlwoman out of quicksand and showed her she didn't have to remain fucked up.
These things are bittersweet.
I got what most people never get, a nearly four year life-stop to focus on nothing except one's self. That was the sweet. The bitter is that it was done while suffering in a 5x10 concrete and steel cell, locked away from everything.
I learned so much about that broken girlwoman inside that cell. Why she was who she was. How she got to this point in her life. What she really wanted and needed from a world she had the to power to create.
Jail afforded me the time, space and emotionally safe cocoon of healing Dr. Gary tenderly wrapped me in. He showed me who I was and taught me how to become who I wanted, and needed, to be.
Who you see now is a result of his patience, my hard work and a really shitty set of circumstances. Circumstances that, to those on the outside looking in, seem unbearable.
I look at myself today and who I have become because of the betrayal and horrors, and I can't, I just CAN'T look back and wish it never happened.
It was the darkest, most terrifying, yet, most beautiful, fulfilling walk of self-discovery I have ever embarked upon and I'd not change a single minute of any of it.
Freedom got me nowhere, but locked in a cage is where I found me.
I became everything I never thought I had the strength, or courage, to be.
How it is I don't resent those nearly four years in jail as much as I could, or should.
How it is I don't hate the cousin who lied to get me arrested and instead, pity her.
The simple truth is, I'd not be me if it weren't for all of that. Hell, I might not even be here at all.
I was a broken, hollow shell of a human. Angry. Vengeful. Self-absorbed. Wallowing in self-pity. Entitled. Self-loathing.
I despise the motivation behind my cousin's lies, but the reality is, her lies saved my life and the lives of those I loved. It was that rare 2pt conversion the losing team always goes for with 22 seconds left in the game, but rarely ever accomplishes. There's this smug satisfaction, and begrudging twinge of gratitude, in knowing that what she thought she was destroying actually turned out to be just the opposite.
Jail was disgusting, humiliating and utterly terrifying.
Jail is also where I met Dr. Gary.
Dr. Gary is, and will probably always be, the greatest gift I have ever received and had it not been for jail, I'd have never had the good fortune of his presence in, and influence on, my life.
He pulled that broken, self-hating, rage-filled girlwoman out of quicksand and showed her she didn't have to remain fucked up.
These things are bittersweet.
I got what most people never get, a nearly four year life-stop to focus on nothing except one's self. That was the sweet. The bitter is that it was done while suffering in a 5x10 concrete and steel cell, locked away from everything.
I learned so much about that broken girlwoman inside that cell. Why she was who she was. How she got to this point in her life. What she really wanted and needed from a world she had the to power to create.
Jail afforded me the time, space and emotionally safe cocoon of healing Dr. Gary tenderly wrapped me in. He showed me who I was and taught me how to become who I wanted, and needed, to be.
Who you see now is a result of his patience, my hard work and a really shitty set of circumstances. Circumstances that, to those on the outside looking in, seem unbearable.
I look at myself today and who I have become because of the betrayal and horrors, and I can't, I just CAN'T look back and wish it never happened.
It was the darkest, most terrifying, yet, most beautiful, fulfilling walk of self-discovery I have ever embarked upon and I'd not change a single minute of any of it.
Freedom got me nowhere, but locked in a cage is where I found me.
I became everything I never thought I had the strength, or courage, to be.
I haven't been here (wherever HERE is...for now I mean the place where you think at me) for a while, but something compelled me and I'm glad that you said all this. I am working on not hating; rather, the hatred is shedding and feeling superfluous at this point. I'm glad to know that we may be on the same path with you, albeit, several years ahead of me.
ReplyDeleteI love you. I miss you. I have so much to tell you.